


Top 10 Conspiracy Theories That Were Actually True

by bookwrm130



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Conspiracy Theories, EFA Fic Challenge 2019, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-03 21:34:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17885609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwrm130/pseuds/bookwrm130
Summary: “Yes, all of them, Martha! How can I make myself clearer?!”“But why?”“Why do I need to tell you why?”“I’m afraid I can’t sell you all of our stock without a good reason, Wynonna. We won’t be able to restock until the end of next month!”“Okay, you want to know why Martha?”





	Top 10 Conspiracy Theories That Were Actually True

**Author's Note:**

> Did I make it in time? Kinda rushed it at the end there.
> 
> What is this thing that I have written? Honestly, I don't know. It's not quite AU but it's also blatantly ignoring some canon things.
> 
> Don't want to say too much, but I researched way too much about toothpaste before I wrote this. I ended up not using anything and said fuck it, I can write whatever I want, science be damned.

“Yes, all of them, Martha! How can I make myself clearer?!”

“But why?”

“Why do I need to tell you why?”

“I’m afraid I can’t sell you all of our stock without a good reason, Wynonna. We won’t be able to restock until the end of next month!”

“Okay, you want to know why Martha?”

* * *

 

_ 24 hours ago _

“Whatcha doing babe?”

“Oh, just doing some reading.” 

Nicole plopped herself down next to her girlfriend who was reclining on her bed, reading from her laptop. Curious, Nicole peeked at the screen.

**Top 10 Conspiracy Theories That Were Actually True**

“Waves, never thought you were into these things.”

Waverly scoffed. “I’m not. 99% of conspiracy theories out there are stupid. But, the ones that turn out to be true? It makes me think maybe our lives aren’t that crazy after all.”

Nicole hummed in agreement. She can’t imagine what conspiracy theories some people have thought about Purgatory. If they only knew what actually happened here...

“Hey, you want to know what my favorite conspiracy theory that turned out to be true?” Nicole said

“What?”

“Canada tried to develop a gaydar, followed closely by America developing a gay bomb.”

“Why am I not surprised that all your favorite conspiracy theories are about gay stuff.”

Nicole just shrugged. She wrapped one arm around Waverly’s waist and pulled her closer. “You know me, everything I do is gay. Like, for instance, this.”

Nicole ended the sentence with a kiss. Waverly rolled her eyes for a quick second, thinking about how corny her girlfriend can be. But then again, if that means she gets to make out with her hot, tall girlfriend, bring on the corny. 

As with most make out sessions go, soon hands began wandering, seeking skin-to-skin contact until-

“Waverly!”

Right on cue, Wynonna came bursting through the door.

“Oh hey, Gingerbread.”

“What, Wynonna?” Waverly asked. She should be used to this by now, but nevertheless, it’s still annoying. Nicole pulled her hand out of Waverly’s shirt, sighing. She should really just install that goddamn lock, Nicole thought.

Wynonna held her phone up. “We got a situation. Meet you at Shorty’s.” 

She turned around, but before her body completely left the door frame, she shouted, “Make sure you fix that sex hair!”

“Why are sisters so annoying?” Waverly said.

“Probably the same reason brothers are so annoying,” Nicole answered.

* * *

 

A while later, Waverly and Nicole entered Shorty’s to find Wynonna and Doc sitting at the bar.

“Is there something wrong with the townspeople?” Nicole asked as soon as she entered the room.

“You noticed, huh?” Wynonna replied.

“Yeah, Mrs. Lewis is just standing right outside her door, staring at nothing, little Barney isn’t walking his dog, Steve McKenna is not out taking care of his garden, and don’t even get me started about how I didn’t have to stop Jack from doing his ‘business’ at the bushes right by the post office,” Nicole said as she sat on a stool next to Wynonna, while Waverly went behind the bar to get herself and Nicole a drink.

“Oh yeah, thought I was missing a bare ass on my drive here,” Wynonna wistfully said.

“It seems like something has gone over the town. Last night, my usuals were acting… not usual,” Doc said.

“Wow, that explains so much, Doc,” Wynonna said, voice dripping in sarcasm, from behind her glass of beer.

Doc ignored Wynonna and continued. “There weren’t a single revenants makin’ their usual troubles, which I thought was a blessin’ in disguise, but then Skipper came in an’ just ordered a Coke!”

A collective gasp went around the room.

“Are you sure it wasn’t a rum and Coke?” Waverly sounded concerned.

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” Doc said solemnly.

Wynonna put down her glass and turned to Waverly. “Do you think a revenant can cause this, Wave?” 

Waverly let out a long breath. “Well, off the top of my head, I can’t think of any revenants that might be able to do this.”

“How about a monster, a spirit?” Nicole piped in.

“It kinda sounds like an energy vampire of some sort, but there doesn’t seem to be any specific MO that I can pinpoint.”

“That’s because it’s not supernatural.”

Everyone turned to the source of the voice. Jeremy had just appeared from the basement, holding a vial filled with liquid.

“See this?” Jeremy holds up the vial of slightly yellow fluid.

“Chetri, if that’s your pee, I will never invite you to anything ever again,” Wynonna said, her face scrunched in disgust.

“It is not pee, ew,” Jeremy scrunched up his own face. “I heard what Doc said and I remember reading something about several towns that experienced similar symptoms. People losing energy, not doing the things they like to do, etc.”

“Kinda just sounds like depression, Jeremy,” Waverly said.

“Yes, but it happened at around the same time to almost everyone in the towns. Something about the water. So I tested our water, and the result is very similar to the cases I read. It’s a virus.”

“Oh my god.”

“Are we infected?”

“Most likely, but symptoms might not appear until around 72 hours, depending on the health and genetic composition of the person.”

“Then how do we fix it?” Nicole said.

“I dunno,” Jeremy said, dejected. “I never read the full file. Didn’t have the clearance for it.”

“You know what that means?” Wynonna piped in. She finished the rest of her beer in one chug. As she slammed her glass down, she yelled “Heist time!”

Everyone in the room groaned. “Baby girl, time to put on that fake British accent again.” She got up and pulled Doc off his seat by his collar. Doc and I are going to prepare.”

“Wait, hold on!”

“Do I want to know what they’re actually preparing?”

“You probably don’t, Jeremy.”

* * *

 

Somewhere outside of Purgatory, a red Jeep and a blue and white truck can be seen parked along the edges of a nondescript forest. As the sun begins to rise, the inhabitants of the forest begin to rise out of their slumber, or, in the case of the nocturnals, had begun the rituals of resting their bodies.

Until that is, 5 humans decided to disturb the peace and quiet of nature by running for their lives.

“Did we lose them?!”

“Who cares, keep running!!”

The tall one with the bright red hair seems to be leading them, while the short man clutching a folder to his chest falls behind. He was clearly the least physically trained out of all of them. As he struggles to keep up, with what sounded like guns firing behind him he tripped over a root jutting out of the ground. His life flashed before his very eyes. Will those men in black spare him this time? Put him through experiments? Surely his brain is far too valuable for them to outright kill them, right?

Instead of falling on the cold hard ground, instead, he fell into the strong arms of the mustachioed gentlemen. “I got you.”

The short man looked into the piercing blue eyes above him. He opened his mouth to say thank you and-

“Come on, lovebirds, move!”

The tall woman with the shiny, voluminous hair was not playing around.

Maybe he’ll save his thanks for later, the short man smiled, even though he was currently being chased by who knows what.

* * *

 

“Alright, Jeremy, what do we got?”

Everyone made it safely back to the homestead. No one was exactly sure how they managed to sneak into Black Badge a second time. And not only that, they managed to make it out safely, without a blood contract this time.

“Um, well, this is going to sound kind of weird, but there is one thing that can turn the townspeople back to normal.”

Jeremy summarised the research they had stolen and told the team of the cure.

“Are you kidding me?” Waverly said.

“Can we just keep the town like this then? I kinda like them like this.” Wynonna responded.

“God no, Wynonna, we can’t do that,” Nicole, the ever righteous one, objected.

“Ugh, fine, but I’m not getting them,” Wynonna replied.

“Weeeelllll…” 

“What, Jeremy? Spit it out.”

“Nicole needs to make sure everyone in town is ok and staying put and I need Waverly and Doc to help me concoct the antidote. Also, you’re the one with the truck”

“We talked about this in the car,” Waverly said, matter-of-factly. There may or may not be a slight smirk on her lips at this moment.

“Wh- okay fine!” Wynonna exclaimed. “Gang up on me, why dontcha.”

“Tik-tok, Wy, we really need this antidote soon!”

Wynonna threw up her hands and got up from the table, mumbling and dragging her feet all the way out the homestead and into her truck.

* * *

 

“Okay, you want to know why Martha? Because if you don’t give me all of your fucking toothpaste, every single goddamn tube you have, you will slowly lose any semblance of consciousness you have. You see Carl out there, just sitting there, drooling? I know he’s usually like that anyway, but soon that’ll be you. Every single one of you will be infected by this stupid virus and you will turn into a vegetable. Do you want that, Martha? Do you?!!”

Wynonna was leaning over the pile of toothpaste she had put on the counter, yelling into poor Martha’s face.

“Alright, calm down! I’ll get the rest of our stock.” This Earp girl, Martha thought, why couldn’t she have stayed out of Purgatory?

“This century, Martha, or you and the rest of the town won’t see tomorrow!”

After a few minutes, Martha came out of the back room with a trolley loaded with all of Purgatory’s stock of toothpaste. She brought the boxes out to Wynonna’s truck. Once they’ve finished loading the truck, Martha turned to Wynonna, who headed straight to the driver’s side of the truck. 

“Wait, you haven’t paid!”

Wynonna continued to get in the car. “Charge it to Nedley, tell him it’s an emergency!”

“But-” Martha began to protest. 

Wynonna responded by pointing to the drooling Carl and immediately drove off.

God, Martha hated that woman, and she didn’t understand how or why, but every time something weird happened, she knew Wynonna was the reason things went back to normal. Guess she better call Sheriff Nedley.

* * *

 

“Here’s your goddamn toothpaste, Chetri!” Wynonna burst through the door, carrying a box of toothpaste. “Why does this town not sell fluoride packets?!”

“Remember how we were talking about conspiracy theories yesterday?” Nicole said to Waverly, who was currently stirring something in a giant pot. “Who knew they really were putting fluoride in the water for other reasons than strengthening people’s teeth?”

“Well, they do say truth is stranger than fiction.”

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it!
> 
> It's rushed, I know, but I really wanted to write something! And it's not my usual, short fluff, full of feelings stuff, but I wanted to try something different.
> 
> If this is interesting enough to some people, maybe I'll elaborate on other parts that I kinda skimmed over, like the whole actual infiltration of the Black Badge headquarters? Let me know!


End file.
